We respectfully dedicate this page to the
label of Helsinki, Finland.
There are only

seconds until the year 2000
What the Fuck is going on?
You may well ask...
Read On.
And find out...

The Kalevala, as we're sure you all know, is the Finnish National Epic Poem (a legendary tale like the Icelandic Edda or the Christian Bible) and Managing Director of Kalevala, Mr Virtanen, has named his record label well, for it is certain to expand to Epic proportions and is already a Legend in the making. From his base in Helsinki (a city generally known only as the pre-glasnost stunt double for Moscow in hundreds of spy films), Virtanen has scoured this land of ice and lakes for the wildest, strangest, noisiest rock and roll entities in Finland (a country generally known only as the home of reindeer and Santa).
So, has he succeeded at bringing the cream of a nations musical talent together on one mighty record label?

You bet your bippy he has.

And How!
The Records.
Going Fast! Some All Gone!
Mr. Virtanens recommended price is £3.99 each.
There are only 6 waxings out so far, but this is enough to give Kalevala the best catalogue of any label in the world. Ever!
Sold Out! Dracula's Daughter - "Candy" 7inch (Kala 001) Sold Out!
Like a bit of 60's New York landed in Helsinki in 1997. The four young ladies who make up this group consider themselves artists rather than musicians, much like the early Velvet Underground. The song itself is a piece of prime quasi-Velvets dedicated to the famed Factory transsexual Candy Darling and features guest vocals from the Nico of the north-lands Kristina Bruuk. As the debut release on a fledgling label Kalevala couldn't have done better. Jesus And Mary Chain, eat your hearts out.

This is actually the third release for the girls, previously they've made two (very limited) singles on their own private label. Don't bother trying to find them because, unless you live in Helsinki, you've got more chance of finding a Beatles acetate.
Sold Out! The Fuckers - "Sexy Roy Orbison" 7inch (Kala 002) Sold Out!
The world's only Lapp punk band don't care one whit for the pop-punk emo-core posturings of their Californian contemporaries (Green Day / Offspring / NoFX etc), in fact this record gives the impression they'd happily kill them and eat them (it'd make a change from reindeer meat at least). They don't care about anything. A ferocious amphetamine blast of pure realpunk hatred from a group that's existed in almost total isolation for over ten years, and whilst their old-skool cousins (Extreme Noise Terror / Napalm Death etc) may have sold out to the metal dollar The Fuckers have remained true to their hardcore roots. For that reason they are, without doubt, the hardest, fiercest and most aggressive punk band on planet Earth. Hear this and despair, pop-kid.

With luck (or perhaps that's bad luck) the Fuckers hope to land on these shores next year to play at a series of Cider Festivals (the psycho scrumpy being the only thing in the world they will admit a liking for).

Anyone old enough to remember the Norse invasions of the dark ages will want to emigrate now.
Sold Out! Gimpo - "Gimpo" 7inch (Kala 003) Sold Out!
An absolute must for fans of the KLF / JAMMs this being their legendary roadie, driver and, more notoriously, film-maker (it was Gimpo that filmed the famed Million Quid incineration). Now he's turned his talents to music and, in collaboration with Finnish techno-psychos High End World Receiver, has produced a debut single of gargantuan proportions. A crushing slab of Industrial riffage and Godzilla size Atom Bomb beats make this a true dance-floor krasha, but the tirade of four-letter words on top and the rousing chorus of "You Fucking Twat" make this one Kalevala release you will not be hearing on the wireless.

Anyone thinking the Prodigy own the copyright on Extreme Dance-Metal Carnage better think again...Gimpo is here to eat you alive. And thank Gruad for that!
Sold Out! The Daytonas - "Faster, Gimpo, Faster, Kill! Kill! Kill!" 7inch (Kala 004) Sold Out!

Super speedy surf-core from this band of seven brothers who've been constantly gigging since the original surf-beat craze hit Finland in the early 60's. The Daytonas have remained true to the original fun, fast, frantic sound sound of this music - so anyone expecting the clever, know-it-all, tongue in cheek irony of Man Or Astroman and their hodad ilk will be sorely disappointed. If, however, you're still diggin' the sound of old California back when the days were short and the nights were long you're in for a treat, Surfin Bird!

The title? Yep it's that Gimpo again. He's certainly made a name for himself over in Finland.

Oh yeah, don't confuse these with the Swedish surf outfit of the same name.
Sold Out! The Blizzard King - "American Trilogy EP" 7inch (Kala 005) Sold Out!

Incredible 3-track Extended Play 7" from the Jesus of Cool himself. Opening with a stunning version of "Break On Through", featuring a storming Hammond work-out of hyper-Manzarekian proportions, followed by a startling rendition of "Strangers in the night" (This being the recording from a parallel universe in which Old Blue Eyes didn't refuse to be in the same building as the Doors, but invited them into his studio for a full-on Drink, Drugs and Jam session.) As if this isn't enough already, this classic 7" is rounded off by one of the Fat Elvis's all time greats "In the Ghetto".

Sold Out! Aurora Borealis - "Aurora Borealis" 7inch (Kala 006) Sold Out!
Two superb ambient sound-paintings, from this reclusive collective of shamanic Artists, Poets and Musicians. Deep within the Arctic Circle, far from the cities and industrial decay of the modern world, they have produced these sonic sculptures, influenced solely by the protean wastes of their Lapp homeland. This is sombre, soulful and dreamy stuff - right from the heart of the Lapp zeitgeist. But don't think that it's in any way colourless, joyless or impenetrable, far from it - Those of you who have cooled your souls at the eternal 3 a.m. of melancholy, will find much in this music which speaks directly to your secret mind.

It would be unfair to burden these isolated art-makers with crass comparisons with the work of others. However, for those of you who won't buy anything unless you think you know what you're getting, this record would sit happily next to the finest work of The Orb, or (of course) the KLF's "Chill Out".
Coming Soon from the Northlands...?
Kala 007 was to be Kalevalas first full length long playing record. The imaginary soundtrack to the cult book (if you're Finnish) "Huono Viisaus", featuring Aurora Borealis, The Blizzard King, Kristina Bruuk, The Fuckers, The Daytonas, Dracula's Daughter, Gormenghast, Gimpo and Molten Rock (Harald Blatwurst's gang of Ice Biker maniacs with their legendary version of Zep's "Immigrant Song"). We at Probe couldn't wait for this awesome 14 track release but, alas, it never appeared. All our attempts to contact the shadowy K-Men met with a misty wall of icy silence. We have no doubt that Messrs. Virtanen and Myntti are deep within their underground fortress of solitude hatching many more plots for total world domination. Should we at Probe Records be honoured with even the smallest scrap of information we shall inform you as soon as is cybernetically possible.